Poor Preparation

I’ve been expecting an effort to stop me, but I hadn’t expected it to start in a remote state park.

As I swim toward the lake shore, I see a half-dozen SUVs and Jeeps. parked on the shore, lights flashing, and maybe a dozen uniformed officers—police and park rangers—in front of them with pistols or rifles drawn. One’s shouting at me through a megaphone, but I can’t hear while I’m swimming. I slow down as I get closer, until it’s so shallow I have to crawl.

Now I hear him, and see him, a burly bear. He sounds frantic. “—step closer!”

I stop, lake water cascading off my body, and smile. “I didn’t catch that.” All of the little guns are trained on me, although a few officers stare openly at how my soaked brown fur highlights my chest and hips. I arch my back, emphasizing those curves, and get rewarded with a few soft exclamations.

“Freeze!” He looks scared as hell. Reasonable, although I wonder if it’s in part because I’m a mouse. News coverage of me has had a perversely speciesist undertone, as if it’d be more understandable if there were a hundred foot high wolf or vixen wreaking havoc.

“All right, officer,” I say amiably, sitting up. “You don’t need the megaphone.”

He drops the megaphone, then uses both hands on the gun. Everyone’s aiming at my eyes.

“You have me surrounded.” Except for the lake, but we’ll ignore that. “I give up.” I raise my hands overhead.

A park ranger, a cute ferret, puts a hand on her hip, looking up at me dubiously. I give her a wink and catch a blush she tries to hide.

Captain Bear looks flummoxed. “Good. We’ll…ah…”

I hold my hands together at the wrists. “You’d better cuff me.”

“I…how?” he blurts.

I sigh melodramatically. “This is not proper procedure. I suppose you’ll have to put me in one of your cars without cuffs, then.” I drop my hands and rise up to my full height, tilting my head just a little to make it harder for anyone trigger-happy to hit my eyes.

“I said freeze!” he screams.

“Which car, which car…” I tap my chin, then point at the one behind Captain Bear. “How about yours?” I walk forward.

Abruptly there’s a lot of screaming and guns going off, and while most of the shots hit, they’re hitting my legs, or hips. I spin around and sit down on the truck I’d picked. And two other trucks. And several of the officers, including Captain Bear. I’m not sure if he’s the one wiggling frantically under my tail, but I suck in my breath. “Oh, that’s nice.”

The ratio of screaming-to-shots tilts sharply in the screaming direction. Four of the remaining officers pile into one of the intact cars, an open-top Jeep. I put a hand in front of it just as it starts to pull away, starting to slide it backward, spreading my legs. “I can’t fit in that, either. But let’s see if it can fit in me.”

It’s very, very tight, to the point it hurts, but when they desperately gun the engine just before it dies, it’s electrifying. I arch my back, squealing so hard flocks of birds take alarmed flight. I don’t shove the Jeep in me as much as hold it in place, bringing the rest of my weight down on it in repeated thrusts. I can feel the passengers inside it—inside me—scrabbling furiously to get free.

Soon I collapse, panting. I don’t think any of the ones under me are still moving, either. I gingerly pull the soaked, crushed wreckage out from my sex, wincing at the scraping. Ow. Oh, ow. If I’m going to use vehicles as sex toys, maybe I should pick submarines or jet planes. How big would I have to be for either of those?

A little whimper-moan from a stand of bushes attracts my attention. The ferret ranger crouches there, her expression combining utter horror and lust into adorably terrified confusion.

Her eyes go wide. “Please don’t kill me!”

“Okay.”

Her eyes get even wider. “What?”

“Okay.” I smile, still breathing hard. “Go home. Dream about me tonight. The kind of dream that leaves your sheets tangled and wet.”

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

I blow her a kiss, and she squeaks, turning tail and running like mad.